The 'TUDE

I have a confession. I have an attitude problem. Let me be real here, I've had an attitude problem since I was a little girl. I hate it when things don't go my way and when I can't seem to "fix" everything and make it right. I continue to try my hardest to ignore/get over/overcome whatever it is that has me in a tizzy, but it's a nasty spiral and if I'm not careful I can get downright nasty. I distinctly remember my momma telling me to "check my 'tude" at multiple ages...not the least of which were my teens.

Without going into too much detail, last year was the year of "the 'tude." I know, I know, you'd think that a grown adult woman (nearing her 30's!!) would be able to grow up a little and get over herself. Well, not this gal. Or maybe I thought that I could...but really I couldn't...or didn't, whichever the case may be.

Before school even started, I had hoped to be pregnant, or at least to be having a baby during the year so that it would be the end of my teaching years for a while. But that wasn't God's plan and the school year started. I was okay with it (I thought) and was able to start the year with a bit of promise. But slowly and surely Satan chipped away at my heart and defenses and by the time summer came I felt like I had been hit by a train. School was hard. Harder than it had been for quite some time. I was a 7th year teacher and felt like I couldn't put anything together. Yes, the class was on the more difficult side, but I should have been able to handle it. Fear invaded my soul and captured my thoughts. Hope was fading...

I felt like everyone around me was living MY dream, but I was stuck in a place I didn't want to be. I became jealous and frustrated with myself that I was feeling all of these emotions that I knew weren't Godly. I was bitter without even realizing it. I was in a spiral I couldn't stop. I would do so much differently if I could go back and relive those months. But you know, sometimes it's looking back into the darkness that we see how real and amazing God's grace and mercy really are, and what a truly HOLY God we serve.

"The 'tude" affected so many areas of my life. Professionally, I was drowning in a sea of expectation (placed mostly by myself), frustration, and if I can be completely honest, unbelief. Unbelief that I was a good teacher, unbelief that God could use me, unbelief that I could make a difference. I could go on, but you get the picture. Personally, I felt like a failure. I was a Christian for goodness sake. Christian's don't feel like this. Everyone around me seemed perfect. I wasn't. I couldn't even pretend. I was broken and living in a pit that I had dug myself. The sad thing is, I didn't know it. Or maybe I did, I just didn't know how to fix it.

Here's the reality check, and here's what I figured out (and not for the first time) just a short month ago: I couldn't. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't be a better teacher. I couldn't be a better wife, a better Christian, a better woman, a better friend, daughter, sister. I couldn't. But JESUS could. Jesus could, if I let him into my deepest soul where I was hiding behind the wall of fear and unbelief I had built. Jesus could, but it meant submitting to the Father's will and plan for me instead of fighting for control, and hiding behind the excuses and quite frankly, the lies that I had let myself believe. And He DID.

Friends, I'm not telling you this to elevate myself in your minds, or to even lower your estimation of me. I tell you this to say that I serve a mighty and powerful God. He alone is worthy of my praise, and He is faithful to call me back to Himself and pull me out of the miry pit--even when I dig it myself. I tell you this to BE REAL. I'm not better than any one of you, but because of my Savior I live in peace and knowledge that I am  enough despite my faults.

I know that this chapter I just closed will come again. I will be tempted again to rely on myself, to become jaded, bitter, dissatisfied. I will have seasons of doubt and unbelief. But I pray, oh how I pray, that I will not let it affect me to the extent it did last year. I'm thankful for this new year, for the peace that passes all understanding.

I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite songs. It's a song of hope and redemption, and a picture of what God has for me someday. I know I made choices that led to my season of "the 'tude", but thankfully Jesus made the choice to submit to the Father and become the sacrifice for my unbelief, my bitterness, and yes, even my attitude. Jesus personified the love of the Father, and I pray that my life will be a picture of that love and faithfulness. May God alone get the glory!